It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
don't judge my taste in strippers
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
