I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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