i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
