look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
