Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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