I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
