the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
