i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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