i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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