I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
