Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Randomize
