I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
