tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Randomize
