Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
