Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
