so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
