So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Bring me that man meat
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize