Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
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