cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
