Cold hands, warm shart.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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