i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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