You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Randomize
