he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
