If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
