im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
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