so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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