I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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