don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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