I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Randomize
