if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Randomize
