You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Randomize
