Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize