Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
