new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
