i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
