The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
