apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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