why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize