If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
