yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
