Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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