1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
