you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
