smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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