1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
