i don't plan on having that self control this summer
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
