Midget sex pt 2 tonight
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
