I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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