Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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