hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
