It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
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