He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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