What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
