yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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