Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
